AT SOME POINT
By Peter Hawes
In my journey I have been many things from mentally ill to victim to sick child to alcoholic and drug addict.
All of these things have one thing in common in that they are the ultimate avoidance to ownership.
We as humans are an intrinsic sensitive bunch.
Primarily we are survivalists hence our brain always takes the easy way out when it comes to pain.
Anyone whose ever had toothache and couldn’t find a dentist open or get an appointment and either contemplated or in my case tried to pull there tooth out knows exactly what I am talking about,
Body says pain brain says oh my god quick make it stop any way possible.
We in the movement with our many traumas would know first hand as would most who have ever had there heart broken that emotional pain is far greater then physical pain.
Shit some of us self harmers and ex self harmers even cause physical pain to avoid the emotional pain.
So painting a really good picture as to the understanding of emotional pain we can understand now why people either suppress with drugs and alcohol or run away from it or avoid it.
Basically the brains geared to survive and find solutions for the pain as fast as possible.
Shit yeah awesome good brain most of you would be thinking by now.....
But while in the short term fast easy solutions may appear helpful they are most definitely not and ultimately based more on our emotional thinking then our rational intellectual thinking.
Basically its actually the hard things that are worth doing and people don’t realized this.
Oh its not entirely there fault we have layers and layers of programming and defenses hard wired into us that ultimately send us into protective mechanisms the most common being victim mentality.
Don’t get me wrong victim mentalities a safe zone for a lot of people but it just really doesn’t get you moving forward and ultimately leaves you standing still in the one place all fucked up for the world to see.
I got in an argument with someone once around them being in victim mentality and the line of conversation went very much along the lines of “oh its not my fault this person did this and it really hurt”
I never said that wasn’t true people do all kinds of things to one another for there own motives and reasons and many just trying to keep themselves safe taking the easy option.
Ownership isn’t about fault people its about control and choice.
3 years ago I had a fiancee who was quite brilliant and she found me in victim mentality back then I was on stage and had recovered from schizophrenia but was still a victim of the psych system or a victim of my traumas or a victim of what my family did to me and this reflected in my talks.
But possibly the best thing she ever did was drill me about that and you know what she popped me right out of it.
I thought taking ownership of all in my life would be such a guilt and shameful entourage of painful emotions I would not be able to deal with but strangely it wasn’t it was the most empowering thing I have ever done because I realized it wasn’t the same as saying every things my fault it was about saying I HAD CHOICES. Which led immediately to I HAVE CHOICES.
Any of you who think your not in control of your life raise your right hand in the air?
Who did that?
YOU DID THAT YOU CONTROLLED YOUR RIGHT ARM.
Granted some of you may have gotten your right arm confused with your left but don’t sweat it happens to my good self all the time.
I am not saying that every-things easy to do cause its not some things are incredibly hard and sometimes we just go right into old habits.
Example after a bad break up recently I stopped eating and stopped taking my fish oil and lay on the bed for three days.
WTF was I thinking these were bad choices.
Amazing how much difference fish oil makes to me as does eating regularly.
My point is we don’t always have the foresight and knowledge to control our actions but we have the choice to look for that point of control and learn skills to do make better choices.
I am currently in an emotional agony that I wish would end and while id love to take a quick fix like booze or ride the front of the train from the outside, These are not good long term solutions and while it hurts like a bastard and its hard.
Intellectually I know this only hurts so much cause she was a pretty amazing girl and I hold no anger towards her or blame as she was just not at a point in her life where she was ready to commitment to a serious relationship I get that people are just doing what they can to survive and I really do wish her well.
That said its extremely hard based on my emotional understanding of the situation
If your paying attention you will remember me saying its the hard things worth doing.
I will get past this I know this as I have learnt the best things from the hardest times in my life and I've already learnt so much from this event about myself that will further my self growth.
I have control and I have choices and the only things I can change and that are in my control 100% is what I do and what happens in side me.
At the moment I am trying to bring my intellectual understanding back into focus rather then my emotional understanding as we misread out emotions a lot as humans.
It's amazing how much we misread out emotions guilt's notorious for being misread and the one that most proves my point.
People seem to get confused with guilt and turn it inwards rather then looking at what they can do to self improve.
Guilt's the greatest motivator for self growth there is.
Example hmm I feel really guilty about the way I handled that situation..
This guilty feeling sucks..
Awesome what can I do so I don't feel guilty...
Theres your self growth motivator right there.
Look guys we are all on this earth running round doing the best we can to survive but at some point we need to start bringing awareness to some of our more primitive mechanisms and trying to evolve in our own lifetime working towards better versions of ourselves.
I am like Pete Version 9.6 now and while it has been incredible hard to get here and I still have a hell of a lot of a ways to go its definitely a journey worth taking.
So how about we all try bring awareness to some of our behaviors and take ownership and do our best to upgrade ourselves to the next version
As I for one refuse to stay standing still or move backwards.
I'm stubborn like that but when you think about it we all are
For we are survivalists its in our nature as is evolution and adaptation.
So I encourage you all to take no shame in your behaviors and defenses but strive to learn where you could have made better choices to change the outcome and learn the skills so you can make those choices and move ever forwards to a better you.
Because at some point we will have no other option but to do so.
So we may as well start the journey now and get there early.